Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Prayer in All Things

I have been at loss for words for a long time. I miss writing, it helps me keep my sanity.

I have been getting mixed up with the voices I hear.

I literally would hear: "Do this" followed by "Don't do this." The issue, it wasn't obvious which was right. Either could be right. It wasn't a "Pray" vs. "Don't pray".

For a couple of weeks, I was confused and was beginning to panic. Was I being disobedient? Was I doing what I wanted, and not what the spirit was asking me to do? I began to feel hardened again God. It was His fault for not making this more clear!!!

To make this experience more clear, I kept feeling to fast, and then it was followed by "don't fast". Normally, I would just fast. But this was happening everyday. I would try, and give up. Then when I succeeded, I would make myself exhausted or sick. Last night I screamed at Heavenly Father. Today, I just began to cry. I couldn't do it! I would I beat myself up for "failing".

Now before I go on, if Heavenly Father wanted to fast 40 days and 40 nights, I could. He makes everything possible. The problem was, I wasn't being clearly directed by the spirit. I wasn't given the spiritual strength and motivation to fast.

Finally, I told Heavenly Father, I was willing to do 12 hours fasts everyday. That was the most I could do, unless He helped me. Then I heard, "I need your prayers." I realized I hadn't been talking to God enough to even know what I was hearing. The only thing I was asking was, "Wait, am I really supposed to fast?" I wasn't giving prayers of gratitude, I wasn't praying for others, I could only think of what a failure I was. Once I came to Him, and cried out a heartfelt, sincere prayer, I was filled with peace. Heavenly Father saw I had given my full attention. Not only have I received direction on how and when to fast, I have again received his direction in all things.

Moral of the story. Allow Heavenly Father to be involved of every aspect of your life! It is a lot harder to be confused by the voices you hear. The more you talk to Him, the more you learn how to hear Him.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Become as Little Children

I am reading a book called Beyond Success and Failure (Willard and Marguerite Beecher). If you read my last post, it spoke of relying on God to become self reliant.

This perspective is eye opening. The book focuses on releasing ourselves from dependency. As children, we learn to be dependent on our parents. As we grow up, we tend to hold onto that dependency. As the book broke down the issue, I had the thought come to me, We all have a part of us that wants to be a child. By this I mean we don't like being responsible for our mistakes, we want to blame others when we struggle, and want another person to comfort us when times are rough.

The book teaches how to recognize our own childish dependency, and become self reliant. I have been enlightened, and did not realize how much childlike dependency I have. I was at first stumped, and unsure how improve this.

The solution is simple. The only way is to give this struggle to my Father in Heaven. He is the perfect parent. I must become humble and willing as a child so that I can accept what the Lord can give me to fill any vacancy I might have. If I feel deprived of something, He is who I need to turn to. He can soften my heart, and give me a new perspective. He will take what I am given, and help me to understand I have more than enough of what I need. He can help me see others the way he see them.

If we have an insecurity or struggle, we may misplace our blame on our parents. I know I have done this. I am now learning to see my parents as HUMAN. It is not their job to be perfect!! They are allowed to make mistakes, and I must not hold them hostage! They love me in the way that they can, and I must be grateful, rather than focusing what they maybe didn't give me. My parents do more things right than not. Even if that wasn't the case, it is up to me as a disciple of Christ to forgive and love them exactly the way they are.

I want to mention that I understand there are cases where people have truly been mistreated by parents, and were not taken care of. Child Abuse of any kind is NOT okay, and there is understanding for those who feel anger towards those who abused them. Only forgiveness through Christ can heal that. But, blaming a person, even if they are at fault, does not help our hearts.

I want to be child like, not childish. I was to self reliant, but humble. I want to share this, because it has changed me, and the way I live.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

My Heart Belongs to God First

I used to believe that claiming that I loved God the most meant I loved him the most.

I've have learned these past few months it is not that simple.

My relationship with the Lord is close, which allows Him to give me more commandments than just what can be read in the scriptures. He will prompt me, and ask me to do things. In return, I receive more knowledge.

Recently, he asked me to do something that I did not want to carry out. It seemed like it would hurt me more than help me. My mind and heart fought Him, trying to find any way out, any loophole. There was none. "If you love me, keep my commandments" seemed unreasonable, and impossible.

I cannot live long without the spirit. Loss of the spirit literally changes a bright and beautiful girl into one who dark, without direction, and can only think of herself. It truly is a frightening state to be in. I don't ever want to go back.

The starvation of the spirit led me to sacrificing something I thought I wanted more than anything. I was taught by one of my mentors to live the Law of Consecration. It was okay that this was going to be a hard sacrifice, but I needed to consecrate this sacrifice. I would pray, Lord, I want the spirit back, I am willing to give this to you, in hopes that you will take care of me in return. The Lord has truly blessed me with knowledge, and I feel like Lexee again.

I have been receiving promptings left and right. I was given back my gift to write. (Did my few readers miss me much???) I don't share this to boost, or give very personal details of my life. I share this because I have been inspired to love God more than myself. I realize once again I am not perfect, but can work towards perfect obedience. I can't help but share it, because the amount of spirit I feel is incredible.

There is another reason that we must love God more than anyone.

I have a book called The Missing Piece Meets the Big O. It is about a Missing Piece who is looking to complete someone who is missing a piece. (The illustrations are triangles and circles that need a triangle to be a full circle). It finds a circle to complete, but begins to grow and no longer fits. It then proceeds to meet the Big O, who has no place for a missing piece, it is complete. The Missing Piece wants to "roll" with it, but has no place to fit. The Big O tells the Missing Piece to try rolling by itself. Eventually, the Missing Piece's corners wear off, and it is complete.

You know what's neat about the idea of self reliance? I don't have to completely rely on myself to become self reliant. I can rely on God to help me wear down my corners. I can be self reliant by relying on him. I can complete my own happiness. Rather than looking towards friends, music, and other pleasures to rely on for comfort when I am weak, I can turn to the Lord for his perfect comfort. This is not easy. But, God can take what we give Him, and make it enough to complete ourselves.

I am blessed to be learning this so soon in my life. This is what I truly believe: Because people are imperfect, we must learn not to depend on others to truly saves ourselves. This is not to say we should not love others, serve them, and be there for them. It means we do this, but also know how to do this for ourselves. My hard experiences have given the Lord another opportunity to humble me, and bring me to Him. I need to love God more than anyone else, and He is teaching how to make that possible. Jesus Christ has already saved me, why would I continue to look towards someone else to do it again? I don't need to be saved by anyone by my Savior and my God.

In the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Friday, October 4, 2013

He Knows, and That's All I Care About!

I found this in the Ensign, Please read!!! :)

(I marked my favorite parts)

The Divine Mission of Jesus Christ: Creator

This is the first in a series of Visiting Teaching Messages featuring aspects of the mission of the Savior.

Jesus Christ “created the heavens and the earth” (3 Nephi 9:15). He did so through the power of the priesthood, under the direction of our Heavenly Father (see Moses 1:33).

“How grateful we should be that a wise Creator fashioned an earth and placed us here,” said President Thomas S. Monson, “… that we might experience a time of testing, an opportunity to prove ourselves in order to qualify for all that God has prepared for us to receive.” When we use our agency to obey God’s commandments and repent, we become worthy to return to live with Him.

Of the Creation, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the First Presidency, said:

“We are the reason He created the universe! …

“This is a paradox of man: compared to God, man is nothing; yet we are everything to God.” Knowing that Jesus Christ created the earth for us because we mean everything to Heavenly Father can help us increase our love for Them.

From the Scriptures

John 1:3; Hebrews 1:1–2; Mosiah 3:8; Moses 1:30–33, 35–39; Abraham 3:24–25

From Our History

We have been created in God’s image (see Moses 2:26–27), and we have divine potential. The Prophet Joseph Smith admonished the sisters in Relief Society to “live up to [their] privilege.” With that encouragement as a foundation, sisters in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have been taught to live up to their divine potential by fulfilling God’s purposes for them.

“As they come to understand who they really are—God’s daughters, with an innate capacity to love and nurture—they reach their potential as holy women.”

“You are now placed in a situation where you can act according to those sympathies which God has planted in your bosoms,” said the Prophet Joseph Smith. “If you live up to these principles how great and glorious!—if you live up to your privilege, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates.”

My thoughts: I know that I have wondered in the past, "Why would God place us in this awful world?" or "Why does God just want to test us???" These are questions have made me in the past question my faith. This talk perfectly explains these questions!!! “We are the reason He created the universe! …

He loves us like parents love their children! Children often don't understand why their parents do what they do, but that's okay. \ Our parents give us rules, because they know from experience! I believe that Heavenly Father was once like us, and he went through it. Heavenly Father has a perfect understanding that we need to be brave enough to accept and follow. He knows what are going through. I have put my trust in Him. At this point, the world can throw at me anti church material or speech, but the foundation of my faith is upon God himself, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit.

We must have faith, and we will grow towards His knowledge. God promises through the scriptures to reveal these things unto us. I love answers, even the ones the Lord postpones to tell me. Something I have learned through prayer: I cannot go on a mission, and expect that people will be converted by logic of the gospel alone. I can show them the connection between scripture, I can tell them why our church is the most correct. That alone is worth nothing. The only way we can truly convert is through the Holy Spirit. When men are ready to hear, the spirit will fill them. I must teach by, and only by the spirit if I want to share the message of Christ.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Give it to the Savior

We can always depend on Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and his gospel, and the Holy Spirit. I literally can put everything I have into these personages and doctrine. They cannot fail us. Heavenly Father has a perfect understanding of the needs of his children. Jesus Christ has completely felt and experienced our pain. The Holy Spirit happily volunteered to help God’s children learn through his manifestation. Not only that, they have a perfect love for us. The gospel is everlasting, and if taught through by the Spirit, is perfect.

That is not to say that we should not allow others in our lives. Often they are meant to play a part in our progression. We should embrace those God sends into our lives. However, as our lives move forward, every person we come across, we must forgive. We must forgive those who directly affect us, and those who do not directly affect us. We are human, and will make mistakes.

Sometimes the only way I am able to forgive is when I give my afflictions to the Savior.

I have learned that the Savior has the strength and capacity to take from us any pain, suffering, struggle, addiction, sin, bad habit, ANYTHING. We often become frustrated when we expect that after praying, our situation will immediately change. He doesn't necessarily change the situation. Rather, he changes us. He strengthens us. He humbles us. He softens our hearts, and helps us to glance at things through an eternal perspective.

Ezekiel 36

16 Moreover the word of the Lord came unto me, saying,

17 Son of man, when the house of Israel dwelt in their own land, they defiled it by their own way and by their doings: their way was before me as the uncleanness of a removed woman.

18 Wherefore I poured my fury upon them for the blood that they had shed upon the land, and for their idols wherewith they had polluted it:

19 And I scattered them among the heathen, and they were dispersed through the countries: according to their way and according to their doings I judged them.

20 And when they entered unto the heathen, whither they went, they profaned my holy name, when they said to them, These are the people of the Lord, and are gone forth out of his land.

21 But I had pity for mine holy name, which the house of Israel had profaned among the heathen, whither they went.

22 Therefore say unto the house of Israel, Thus saith the Lord God; I do not this for your sakes, O house of Israel, but for mine holy name’s sake, which ye have profaned among the heathen, whither ye went.

23 And I will sanctify my great name, which was profaned among the heathen, which ye have profaned in the midst of them; and the heathen shall know that I am the Lord, saith the Lord God, when I shall be sanctified in you before their eyes.

24 For I will take you from among the heathen, and gather you out of all countries, and will bring you into your own land.

25 Then will I sprinkle clean water upon you, and ye shall be clean: from all your filthiness, and from all your idols, will I cleanse you.

26 A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.

My thoughts on these verses:

This is how I let go, and move on with myself. I have to pray for a new heart. I become hard, angry, and my heart is stone. I have to literally get down on my knees, and cry out to the Lord for a new heart. As I ask, I receive. The Lord changes something in me that makes it possible to forgive others, as well as myself.

This talk inspired me: Remember Lot's Wife by Elder Holland. These three quotes are beautiful, and watching the talk is even more touching, and will make you laugh.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obNlH5... (this is the video)

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=1819 (this is the written version)

"There is something in us, at least in too many of us, that particularly fails to forgive and forget earlier mistakes in life—either mistakes we ourselves have made or the mistakes of others. That is not good. It is not Christian. It stands in terrible opposition to the grandeur and majesty of the Atonement of Christ. To be tied to earlier mistakes—our own or other people’s—is the worst kind of wallowing in the past from which we are called to cease and desist. "

My thoughts: He nailed it. We choose to hold ourselves hostage. We tend to think that since we have been hurt by another, we are entitled and justified in our be anger. That is a burden!!! Christ is begging us to let him take that burden from us! He doesn't want us to carry it!!! He wants to come to us who are heavy laden, and say, "Let me help you. Let me carry that for you. "

"I can’t tell you the number of couples I have counseled who, when they are deeply hurt or even just deeply stressed, reach farther and farther into the past to find yet a bigger brick to throw through the window “pain” of their marriage. When something is over and done with, when it has been repented of as fully as it can be repented of, when life has moved on as it should and a lot of other wonderfully good things have happened since then, it is not right to go back and open up some ancient wound that the Son of God Himself died trying to heal."

My thoughts: This bring tears to my eyes. It hurts me when those I love suffer, and when I harbor anger or very purposefully sinful, I am basically conveying to my Savior that I am rejecting his atonement. I need to improve. I want the Savior to feel joy because I am using his atonement, and I love him.

"Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change and improve. Is that faith? Yes! Is that hope? Yes! Is it charity? Yes! Above all, it is charity, the pure love of Christ. If something is buried in the past, leave it buried. Don’t keep going back with your little sand pail and beach shovel to dig it up, wave it around, and then throw it at someone, saying, “Hey! Do you remember this?” Splat!"

My thoughts: I have been hurt when people have held grudges against me, and I do this to others. I am anxious for General Conference. So. Anxious. This is a question I have that I am praying for to be addressed in conference:

How do I keep forgiving the same person, especially when they hurt me the same way?

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

I Love My Mother

I read ANOTHER amazing book. Bending Towards the Sun, by Leslie Gilbert-Lurie

Her mother was a survivor the Holocaust (in Germany), and tells the story of her mom, herself, and daughter. She talks about the emotional recovery for all three generations. I didn't realize how the trauma one generation experiences, can really affect the next. The closeness of this family was beautiful.

My mother out of town this week. I have missed my mom. It literally doesn't matter how crazy she can make me, or what we disagree on.

She. Is. My. Mommy.

I. Need. Her.

She is my hero. It is lame that she has to be gone for me to remember how much she has positively shaped my life. She did everything she could for us as children. I still remember the cute lunches she packed me. (She cut my sandwiches into squares with the crust cut off. She made me peanut butter crackers, not the cheapo Austin brand, the real deal. Then there was the elf cookies, as a kindergartner I would just eat the cookies and she found out ;) One time she gave me a boiled egg, and the put salt in a bag!!! ) I remember writing a letter as a child to my teenage self telling me to be good to my mom. I really regret not listening.

Mothers everywhere show their children pure, Christ-like love. I am grateful that I have the privilege of receiving this love from my mother. I would not have the love I have in my heart if it wasn't for my mother's example.

I look forward to one day, in the far away future, having babies. I am almost more excited to have them call my mom, "Grandma" or "Nana".

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Change in Ourselves

I read a beautifully written memoir called, Left to Tell by Immacalee Ilibagiza. This woman tells her story as a survivor of the Holocaust in Rwanda in the 1990's. Her story is beautiful, and the life she has created for herself is beautiful.

Her family is the one thing she loves most. She works hard to receive an education. These things are taken from her when soldiers threaten to the take the life of anyone with Tutsi heritage. She manages to survive by hiding in a closet sized bathroom with seven other women.

She was able to take this event in her life, and make it in an opportunity to grow closer to God. Through the love of the Savior, she is able to forgive and overcome.

I feel inspired to change, and forgive. I feel inspired to take my trials, and use them as an opportunity to let God take care of me. I want to serve my God. I want to feed the sheep He asked me to tend. I want to look for those who need someone. I want to let Christ fill me with joy, rather than the worldly things I have sought lately.

I struggle with wanting to feel "full". If I act in a way that makes the spirit leaves, I become very depressed because I feel empty. I look for a replacement for the spirit, but there isn't one. Other things I have searched for to make me feel full always leave me feeling more empty.

Christ is my first reason I want to change. His infinite love and sacrifice gives me hope for everything. He bled and died so that I could have the opportunity to have true happiness. True happiness comes from giving yourself to the Lord, and taking the love he offers every single chance you give.

That brings to the blog post I read today on The Perfect Day. Here is the link:

http://ldsperfectday.blogspot.com/2013/09/spiritually-creating-future-event-with.html

This post talks about visualizing what we want, and asking the Lord to help us accomplish it.

This quote was used on the post:

"Alma 32 tells us about the spiritual creation, the temporal creation, and the eye of faith, meaning that you create in your mind first of all...the spiritual creation of that which you desire, and you concentrate your mind on it until it comes into reality in the real world.

Every idea, the exercising of faith, anything that has any value that I know of, is created first of all spiritually in the mind of man and then later, because of his exceeding great faith, he brings it about temporally -- he literally causes it to happen." (Elder Gene R. Cook, "Qualifications For The Work", Talk Given At The Missionary Training Center, June 7, 1983)

I believe in this. I want to experience this. My next step is to ponder, what do I really want? And then, begin to visualize.

In the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen.